Leave the straw man at home, no one here is "lugging" the engine.
Engine load (torque) is a good concept to get a handle on things, but let me point out that some of you are self-inflicting load by using cruise control to maintain a pretty rigid speed target.
Having said that, does anyone have a fuel consumption map for the hemi engines? If so, please post it. I'd love to see it and might adjust some of my driving habits accordingly. Failing that, here's one I found on Wikipedia.
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Engine load (torque) is on the vertical axis, and speed (RPM) is on the the horizontal axis. The dashed red curve at the top represents maximum torque at wide open throttle, and fuel burn rate is shown with blue contours. I'm not sure what their fuel units of measure were, but I'm only concerned with generalities anyway.
So from the map, it appears that this engine has a sweet spot around 2200 RPM with 85% throttle, and not much loss of efficiency over an area ranging from 1800 to 2600 RPM and 2/3 to full throttle.
You heard that right, full throttle is actually a pretty efficient way to run a gasoline engine. Pumping losses are much higher at low throttle openings. So if you're downshifting to avoid heavy throttle, you're probably wasting fuel.
And full throttle is not bad for the engine, even for extended periods of time, over a pretty wide speed range. I don't have any numbers to put on this, but the force exerted on rods and bearings from centrifugal effects and accelerating the piston back and forth becomes much greater at high RPM than the push of expanding combustion gases. And of course friction goes up with speed. So again, if you're downshifting to reduce engine load, you may actually be making things worse.
As far as wear and tear on the drivetrain goes, I think unnecessary shifting puts more wear on the transmission clutches than anything else, and the direct drive 6th gear is as close to zero wear as you will get.
Tow/Haul mode isn't about efficiency, it's about performance. Use it accordingly and accept the losses of efficiency and longevity that come with it.
For efficiency and longevity, I'd lean toward heavier throttle at medium-low to moderate speed.
Routine day-to-day driving, I mostly just let it shift however it wants to.